Handy Surefire Business Tactics - #2 .

Knowing Your Customers

Are your sales figures always making you depressed? Do they give you ulcers? How about cronic foot pain?

If the above statements describe you, then grab a calendar and put a big X through yesterday's date. Use a red pen. Why? Because that was "X-day" man, and red pens are always for marking things that you don't like. And you really don't like X-Day. That's why we labeled it. Today is not X-Day.

With me so far? Then let's get cracking. Your sales figures are down because you don't know your customers. What? You say you do know them? You sir, are a liar. A damned liar.

How do I know this? Because you can't know your customers. Unless you sell gigantic concrete figurines depicting the historic Battle at the Alamo, you probably deal with more than one customer each day. Regardless of what you are selling, let's decide on a number of people that buy your product. How about six people? Okay, let's go with eight.

So you've got eight people buying your product. Man, that's what, like a two hundred a week, right? Right. Don't correct me. I can take my tip and go home at any time, you know. You won't go far in the business world if you're always making wisecracks, buster.

Now then, two hundred people are buying your product each week. How could you possibly know all of them? I doubt you could even shake all of their hands. Which you should try to do, since that makes them like your product. Remember to wash your hands though, because in a group of two hundred people there are always a few filthy folks. You can't do business with a life-threatening lung infection, now can you?

So how can you keep track of all those people? Just remember this tip: Customers are like penguins. Most of them wear suits, which are just like feathers. And most of them waddle around, due to their intense obesity. Plus, they all carry wallets, which they sit down on when riding the bus. Eggs are valuable, and wallets are like people eggs. Unless you want to compare eggs to children, but children usually suffocate when you sit on top of them on the bus. Especially if you're obese, which your customers are. Just like a penguin.

Penguins can't fly. Neither can your customers. So the best way to get their eggs (wallets) is to hire some Eskimos to herd your customers into a deep snow pit. Don't let your customers see you digging the pit though, or they will be ready for it. Cover it with a large white tarp, or it's equal in the business world: a giveaway. Then your customers will all try to get the giveaway, only to find themselves with no money and trapped in a cold, unescapable place.

And that, my friends, is when you take their eggs and eat them. Or, in a wallet's case, exchange them for goods and services, such as admission to the boat show or some sweet new rims for your 1994 Jetta. Victory shall be yours.

So what have we learned today? Let's recap.

Key points to remember:
  1. Watch out for dirty people, they carry lung diseases.
  2. Customers = penguins. (Obesity!)
  3. Today is not X-Day. That was yesterday.