Handy Surefire Business Tactics - #3 .

Use New Technology

Technology is amazing. Not only are there a lot of scientists making new technology every day, but now they are even fiddling with cells and genetics. I'm betting that they just want to make even better scientists. Then those scientists, now several times smarter, would make newer scientists, which would in turn make a ray gun that turns rocks into delicious peppermint candy.

Imagine for a minute that you had five arms. Just think of the benefits for a minute. Oh, and hurry, because you only have one minute, and it's already half over. Anyway, think of how much more you could get done. You could wash the dog and go to the bathroom at the same time. You could juggle and use a pumice stone to remove all of that rough skin on your feet.

Okay, your minute is up. I'm afraid you've wasted it.

Do you know who didn't just waste that minute? Scientists. They were busy drawing out big confusing diagrams and drinking serums and doing all sorts of things that we don't do.

How can we compete with scientists in the business world? How can we even the playing field?

The answer is right in front of you: Technology. That, and lies. Horrible lies.

We all have a competitor that seems to do everything right. When customers call to ask him questions, he gives them answers instead of yelling in Spanish and hanging up. When a check is lost in the mail, he mails another one instead of naming it as a casualty of the secret war that is waging between the aliens and the elves. When the sidewalk gets coated in a thin yet invisible layer of ice, he tosses on some of those tiny stones that melt it instead of turning out the lights and peeking through the window blinds to watch old people fall and severely bruise their hips. He just doesn't seem to slip up and give you a chance. That bastard. We hate him.

That leaves us with five options. On one hand, we can work harder, focusing all of our energy and talent at outpacing him in the realm of kindness. Or we could just make up a bunch of awful lies about him. On the other three hands we can't do anything, because we don't have five arms. That was before, when we were imagining. Pay attention.

Start off small with your lies. Instead of saying that he murdered an elderly woman with a sharpened TV antenna, say that you saw him poisining the local water supply. Instead of talking about various forms of arson that he has commited, make a comment about how much he hates people that wear belts.

Before you know it he'll be out of business. And then he'll be run out of town. And then perhaps he will be stoned to death like in that short story "The Lottery" that we all read in junior high school. That was one crazy short story.

So what have we learned today? Let's recap.

Key points to remember:
  1. Scientists love peppermints.
  2. You only have two arms, but this maybe just be temporary.
  3. It's cool when people bring up "The Lottery." You should do that more often.

(Side note: I tried to find a copy of the short story on the internet to link to, but it was freaking impossible to find. It's as if everyone became honest and decided not to post it illegally. I did discover that the author is Shirley Jackson, who also wrote "The Haunting of Hill House," which was recently re-made as a movie that featured Chris Kattan, whose character was hilarious, unlike most of the other things that Chris Kattan does, such as that God-awful Mango.)

(Side note 2: I knew a helpful reader would find me a story link. Thanks Erika)