John's Fortune Cookies

(I was going to call this section "Ponderables" or "Thoughts" or something else really lame and over-used, then I decided not to. )

Ever just sit around thinking up funny little one liners?  Okay, maybe it's just me. 
Here's a few that I remembered to write down.  Enjoy! 

-= Guaranteed to be at LEAST 40% humorous! =-

Fortune Archives - pace yourself and save some for later...
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Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket.  I'd strongly suggest you put on a pair of new Dockers Heat-Resistant CometPants first though, unless you're into third-degree burns. When technology advances enough to shrink cellular phones to the size of an actual cell, it would probably be a good idea to clone a bunch of them, because man, those things are going to be really easy to lose. If you ever decide to build yourself a house made of butter, you should try to live next to a house made of toast.  That would make for a hilarious news story.

You shouldn't beat a dead horse.  Instead, consider selling it to a shady local butcher shop.

You should never cry over spilt milk.  Unless, of course, you are stranded on a deserted island and a magical genie shows up and offers you a lifetime of pleasure, fame, and fortune in exchange for your last glass of milk and you leap with glee and nearly spill your milk, then after you sigh in relief that it hasn't spilled, you step on a clam shell and drop the glass, causing the genie to disappear and leaving you to live out your days on a diet of coconuts and dead seagulls.

Last weekend I burned my hand reading a book of matches too fast.

We'd probably be up to Formula 414 or 415 by now if it wasn't for those lazy guys over in Research and Development.  Those guys were at the top of their game and now all they do is sit around eating cheesesteaks.
Acronymphos love to have S.E.X. I like to chew carefully when I eat Raisinettes.  You never can be sure you aren't about to bite into a chocolate-covered rock. I'm glad they never made an updated Transformers cartoon because the new robots would probably suck.  What is PalmPilotta going to do in a battle, organize a bunch of addresses really fast?

It's probably a good idea that no one has marketed a special coffee just for ferrets, cuz man, those things are jumpy enough already.


Dr. Pepper is the guy to see if you're suffering from a lack of refreshment.  You should look elsewhere, however, if you've got a fractured wrist or a broken leg, because he's really incompetent with treating those types of things.


I'm not a fan of Keebler cookies, or for that matter, anything else made by dirty elves in an unsanitary hollowed-out tree factory.

Just like the commercial says, whenever I want a tough stain out, I shout it out.  Apparently, they make some type of liquid cleaning fluid that helps this process, but no one else sticks around long enough to tell me what it's called.


Some people call me the Space Cowboy.  However I wish my crew would stop doing it right after weíre captured by the Imperial Space Brigade and questioned about who stole all the Martian cattle.

If I ever decide to get into body piercing I think Iíll ask them to use one of those big hole punchers.  That way I could hang 3-ring binders from my chest and carry around recipes and things.

If I ever go blind, I'm going to set up my entire house with strobe lights.  That will really freak out my neighbors.

If Pink wants a party that badly, she should start it herself.  I donít care if she is coming up, and frankly Iím getting a little sick of her constant demands and reminders.


I like to carry a bowl with me all the time, just in case MAC machines are suddenly upgraded to dispense delicious chocolate pudding.

Iím thinking about creating an inter-dimensional shifting device, but I keep running into the same two problems.  One, itís really hard to build, and two, if I gathered up all of my alternate-dimension doubles and took them out to eat, do you think T.G.I. Fridays would give us all a free cake or make us split one?

If an urban legend is a made-up story, what about rural legends? 
Does that mean that every crazy farmerís story is true?

Iím glad that The Chipmunks never got into a shouting match with Mike Tyson.  It would be tough to figure out who was doing all the yelling.

Why do people refer to good salaries as ďBringing home the bacon?Ē  I mean sure, it would be nice at first, but after 30 years of eating bacon youíd probably get all bloated and obese.

If hand cream soothes hands and face creams soothe faces, why isnít whipped cream doing anything for all of the bleeding lacerations on my back?

Whenever I accidentally enter a wrong room I like to yell out a large number before excusing myself and leaving.  That way everyone is left with a mystery to discuss, such as "What the hell does 402 mean?"

I just can't read National Geographic anymore.  It probably has something to do with my constant disappointment of not being able to carry things for long distances on my head.


Last week I found a recipe for clear brownies, but no one wanted any.  "Purplies" didn't go over very well either.

If they ever had a National Beating Contest, would the winner get an extra beating, or would the beatings leading up to the finals be enough of a reward?

I'm glad that wristwatches have withstood the test of time, because not only would I not enjoy wearing a neckwatch, but it would be nearly impossible to see the time.

A cheetah might be fast and an elephant might be strong, but neither of them have any pockets.  We can all thank the modern clothing industry for that key advantage.

I bet that it would suck to be a witch and get turned into a desk lamp by a more powerful witch.  Unless of course you got to keep your witch magic, in which case you would be one kickass talking magical desk lamp.


Whenever I'm having a bad day I like to remind myself of the madness that would ensue if our currency system was based on live insects.

Do we really need warnings that the lead in paint will kill you? 
Keep in mind that these people have already made a conscious decision to CONSUME PAINT.


Americans would be a lot less obese if we all agreed to do a whimsical little dance instead of saying "Hello."

Imagine my embarrassment when I confused my boss's request for power strips with several dominative female entertainers.

A rose by any other name is probably the result of sloppy editing.

Stupid people never run the risk of having a bright idea sear their brain stem.
I bet we wouldn't ride horses as much if they had an extra set of chainsaw legs.

A Handy Tip: Next time someone tells you to "lace your sneakers,"
they usually don't mean to fill them with cocaine.
Unless, of course, you work in a drug lab, in which case you should
probably ask for some clarification.


I'd like to make a game show titled "Don't Stay Awake!" where contestants would try to fall asleep to earn prizes. Of course no game show is complete without air horns and ferocious live animals. Who could resist tuning in to laugh as tired, irritable people become completely paranoid?

Some people think the worst part of Razor Blade Pizza is the razor blades. They're wrong though - it's the horribly salty sauce recipe that irritates all of your internal lacerations.


Wouldn't it be nice if there was a product that combined both hair conditioning and air conditioning, leaving you with sexy yet manageable ice-cold hair?

I bet the guy "stuck between a rock and a hard place" probably had plenty of time to think up other stupid clichťs.

A bird in hand is better than 2 in the bush. Unless of course it's a
pterodactyl, in which case it has probably eaten your hand already and is starting to peck at your skull.


My friend just bought a new space heater. We're already paying taxes for the International Space Station, so why should I have to pay for warm astronauts?

What a rip off.


You know what doesn't scare me? The threat of super-intelligent plants.
They take so long to grow that we'd totally see through their plans in advance.


While lacking lethal stopping force, a gun that fires endless streams of
angry raccoons would still be quite powerful for home protection.


While Enron was certainly a lesson in poor business practices, one shouldn't overlook the horrible business plan of The Sun. All it does is provide light and heat for free. Stupid Sun.


You know what would make pictures better? If they had the ability to walk and talk, as well as do all types of household chores. Then again, I could be confusing them with my idea for a two-dimensional midget handyman.


Whenever I go walking in the forest I like to to stop now and then and build a small pile of rocks. You can never be too prepared for a rock throwing contest.


Why do they call it chewing gum? What else are you going to do with it, juggle?

Once you overlook threading your chest with a steel rod, spinning until you puke, and having your legs and feet involuntarily crushed with a heavy plastic ball, human fooseball sounds like nothing but hours of fun!


I wish the editors of Better Homes & Gardens would stop returning my letters. It's as if they disagree with my theory that anything can be improved by the addition of laser defense turrets.

What is the problem with people who ask sarcastic rhetorical questions?

With society getting faster every day, why hasn't anyone come up with a healthy snack that can be taken intravenously?

Know what would make a great TV game show?  A sport where people just smack each other with Nerf bats while running around an arena full of trap doors. 
We can add in prizes, goals, a name, and catchy theme music later.


If I ever built a rocket ship, I would probably sell it instead of using it.  I'm afraid that the lure of experiencing the cosmos doesn't mean as much to me as a giant pile of money.  Also, I make lousy rocket ships.

The thing that sucks most about not having lips is the fact that you can't.

First Gatorade made sports drinks.  Now they make water.  I'm not looking forward to them branching out into the buttermilk sector...

I had a great idea for a self-painting fence:  You hollow out some wood, fill it with paint, and cap it off.  Then every few months you poke a few holes in it.  This idea also works for lots of other things.  Except, of course, for puppies.


In an attempt to improve on Chinese food, I invented a recipe for Sweet & Sour & Salty & Tangy & Spicy Chicken.  Sadly, I had to ditch the idea after seeing how much those menu companies charge for ampersands.

The first thing I'm going to do with my new time machine is race into the future and prove that nothing, much less marker ink, is permanent.  Then I will return to the present time and sue the pants off of the makers of those Sharpie pens.


Life Tip #18:  Any invitation to play "The Hatchet Game" should
be turned down when all of the participants are drunk.

I'm thinking of starting a bubblegum company and naming my flavors after distant places.  I mean, it's not like anyone can really challenge me on what "Cambodian Splash" should taste like.

I bet value meal sales would go up if fast food chains added an "Adult Toy Inside" promotion.

You know what's better than singing in the rain?  Just about everything.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me that my idea for melting down coins to make a giant robotic parrot was a bad idea, I would have one kickass giant robotic parrot.

Why do Tic Tacs have to announce that extra half calorie?  Do you know anyone that has become hideously obese from eating breath mints?

The future is going to suck when everybody gets a Lawyer Robot.  Unless, of course, the court system is discarded in favor of fantastic Lawyer Robot gladiator duels.

I think the hardest part about claiming a black hole is figuring out where to stick the flag.

I bet that houseplants would try to eat us if they didn't grow so slowly.

They might call it horseplay, but I doubt a pony ever came up with my idea for a blindfolded waffle and syrup battle.

Sometimes I wish that I had nine lives just like a cat, but Iíd probably end up wasting most of them repeating some harebrained stunt to impress my friends.


Itíll too bad that aqueducts went out of style.  I think the problem is that people only filled them with water.  Think about it:  Who wouldnít support an unlimited supply of underground pudding instead?

I bet chickens hate Easter. 
How would you feel if you people ate all of your eggs and some stupid rabbit got all the credit?


Iím glad there isnít a subspecies of honeybees that gathers urine, because manÖ
their collection methods would probably hurt.

Iím thinking of starting up a coffee house named Johnny Addictís, where our signature drink is a fine blend of nicotine, ephedra, and chocolate.  The first cup is free.

Why is a player called a running back when he always tries to run forward?

No matter which way you slice it, youíve sliced it.  And it won't grow back.  Way to not pay attention, idiot.

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All fortunes are (c)1999-2002 by John Gephart IV
Written permission is required for any re-publication