John's Fortune Cookies

(I was going to call this section "Ponderables" or "Thoughts" or something else really lame and over-used, then I decided not to. )

Ever just sit around thinking up funny little one liners?  Okay, maybe it's just me. 
Here's a few that I remembered to write down.  Enjoy! 

-= Guaranteed to be at LEAST 40% humorous! =-

 

Fortune Archives - pace yourself and save some for later...
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Whoever came up with that "lift with your knees and not with your back" idea is an idiot. Everybody knows that when it comes to lifting, the best way to do it is with your HANDS. As delicious as the candy is, I imagine that a handful of real "Jellied Bean" wouldn't be all that appetizing. I bet surgeons laugh a lot when they are removing someone's spleen.
Just saying "spleen" a few times always makes me giggle.

When I first saw the sign for the new store coming to the mall, I was really excited to finally get a decent cleaning and a new liver. You can imagine my shock when I found out they just sell hand cream and shampoo.

"Bath and Bodyworks" is a pretty deceptive name, if you ask me.
 

It's pretty depressing when you finally wake up and discover that they
give out the "special sauce" to anyone that asks.
 

They say that beauty is in the eye of the Beholder. Well I paid
that Beholder guy an unexpected visit yesterday, and there wasn't much
hidden in those eyes other than fluid.
 

Beauty is in the eye of the Beholder, but at the same time "Love is
blind." Damn that's confusing...ah well, time to go have a few more tacos.
 
It takes years to build up trust and just seconds to destroy it, especially when you use a chainsaw. They say a picture is worth a thousand words, yet the guy at the gallery wouldn't trade me that painting for my newspaper. I never buy anything that
claims to "Taste just like homemade." My mom was a lousy cook.

I have a sneaking suspicion that they record those free Hearing Aid informational videos at a really low volume...
 

If baseball mitts catch baseballs, 
why do oven mitts have such skimpy padding?
 

Whenever I eat Nerds and Dum Dums, I always follow up with
a few packs of Smarties.

That way everything evens out.
 

Remember that full-course meal gum from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory?

If you ask me, Bubbalicious is starting to slack if the best they can come up with is stuff like Rockin' Raspberry.
 
With all the money he has, you'd think that Monopoly guy would be able to afford a decent pair of glasses. Sometimes I think that Friends show would be a lot more amusing if there were more
deadly scorpions involved in each episode.
If you were traveling in a car going at the speed of light and you turned the headlights on...what kind of gas are you using to power that thing anyway, and where can I get some?

If at first you don't succeed, murder the new royal family too.
 

When shopping for an eyeball-scanning security checkpoint system, I accidentally ordered a "rectal scanner." Luckily, it keeps out the strangers just as well.
 

I love call-waiting. What other service manages to consistently anger half the people using it?
 

I bet the world would be a happier place if we all spoke in exaggerated Australian accents.
 
If someone is using a hands-free phone and you put them on hold, what exactly are they supposed to be holding? Who else is gonna bring
you a broken arrow?
Or a bottle of rain?
Probably some other cheap gift-scavenging bastard like me, I guess.
Every rose has its thorn, except for those new genetically altered ones that have teeth and a taste for human flesh. Id rather deal with the thorns, personally.

A quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog, but what kind of accomplishment is that? Not much of a challenge if you ask me
 

Its a good thing that those tech guys picked the letter "e" to represent the internet, because words like "w-mail" and "w-commerce" take a lot longer to say.
 

With a name like Sloopy, why would you want to hang on? 
I'd let go and plummet to a merciful death, personally.
 

Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a valuable lesson in trust.
 
I've found that the "Ask and ye shall receive" principle works a lot better when a handgun is involved. You gotta hand it to those cardboard engineers. They came up with a cool word like "corrugated" that basically means the same thing as "folded a bunch of times" If our planet is just part of a huge body of stars, I hope we're in a cool spot. We could hang up a big banner that says "Welcome to the Universe's Spleen" or something.

Sometimes I think life is a lot like a hamburger...but usually only when I'm hungry.
 

Peter Piper picked a pack of pickled peppers,
but who the heck eats pickled peppers these days?
It sounds like Peter wasted his time, if you ask me.
 

Lean on me, when you're not strong. 
Also, only when you are a hot chick.
 

People always talk about "letting the cat out of the bag," but I can never seem to find any bagged cats at the mall.  I even checked Sears.
 
Clowns to the left of me,
jokers to the right,
here I am stuck in the middle of a lousy new sitcom entitled "Comedy Chorus Line" on Fox.
I hope we never have to enact the Merchant Marines act. Pushups 'til you puke is one thing, but forcing a Marine to sell pastel turtlenecks at the Gap is just plain cruel. I almost ate one of those Starlight mints the other day. Luckily I stopped myself after I realized that stars produce light by burning at about a million degrees. Heck, I don't want that happening in my mouth.

Have you noticed the recent proliferation of nugget-based foods? At this rate, even water, the fluid of life, will only be available in nugget form by 2072.
 

Sunshine on my shoulder makes me happy.

Scalding hot coffee, on the other hand, does not.
 

I can see clearly now. The rain is gone. I've decided to hold off on the obstacles until tomorrow though. Trying to run on a slippery obstacle course is just too dangerous!
 

If I ever come back to life as an appliance, I hope it's not as a refrigerator. I bet it's pretty annoying the way people try to cram all those magnets and pictures on you.
 

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All fortunes are (c)1999-2002 by John Gephart IV Written permission is required for any re-publication